Relationships VS Abuse

Relationships VS Abuse

       Abuse is something I can sadly say I know a lot about. I have witnessed and been abused on many levels. There are a lot of different levels to abuse. Sadly abuse happens in 1.5 million relationships per year. 4,000 women die each year from dating or relationship abuse. Studies show that one in ten high school students admit to being slapped, hit, or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend. I am 1 out of them 1.5 million women. Here is my story.

                                                   

       Abuse started in my life when i was growing in my mother's womb.  My father who was abused as a child started abusing my mother not very soon after the got married. Once they got married she was his property in his eyes. His and his only. Even though they lived next door to her family she wasn't aloud to see or speak to them. My grandmother was going through breast cancer and my mother couldn't even be there for here. Even she got pregnant with me the abuse just got worse and worse. To make sure she wouldn't leave the house he would put furniture up against the door so she couldn't get out. He would count all the food and drinks at the house. The only time my mother could eat was when my father aloud her to. He said what she eat, how much, and when. When my mother was only 7 months pregnant with me my father decided to go on a rampage. He threw her over the coach and started beating her with no mercy. He beat her so back he threw her into early labor. I was born 2 months early on May 5 1991. Because of all the distress I had rapped the cord around my neck. They had to preform emergency c-section to save me and my mother. My grandmother says that I was saved by amazing grace.

       Everything was good for a while. My father stopped hitting my mom for about a year then he started hitting on me instead. When my mom had to go to work and he didn't want to deal with me he lock me in my car seat. Once when I wouldn't stop crying he threw the car seat with me in it at the wall. Then he sat back down to watch tv. I had a minor concussion. My mother said I fell. She seemed to say that a lot. The beatings just kept coming. I use to cry out for my mother but she wouldn't stop it she wouldn't help me. Thanks to that we don't have that mother daughter relationship that I always wanted. One time when I was 5 years old it was hot because it was summertime. My father was sitting in front of the tv eating dinner. I didn't think and took a sip of his soda. In return he stabbed me in the shoulder with his streak knife.  This time my mother couldn't say I just fell. Instead of taking me to get stitches she put a bunch of band-aids on it and hoped for the best. My mother tried running once but he caught up to us and with his own daughter in the car ran us off the roads. The beatings went up till I was 7 years old. Then one day he was just gone and so was everything else. He took everything even the nails on the walls! Even though he was gone it was finally ok. We where finally at peace. We had nothing. Not a cent in the bank so we moved in with my mom's parents. 

                                           

       The yelling stopped. The beatings stop. I was in a safe place. No one else was going to hurt me. I had no idea what to do with the hurt and pain the was inside me. My family believe therapy meant you where weak. So I kept it all inside. When I turned 10 years old I started hanging out with older kids that where up to no good. They would all steal alcohol from their parents then we would all go down to that park and pass bottles around. With that first sip I realized here was something that finally took away the pain. Once it took the pain away I didn't want to stop. I didn't stop. I kept drinking. I kept being around people I shouldn't.  When I was 13 i was drugged and raped at a party. I was a virgin. Three older guys bet who could get me into bed first. I woke up alone, naked, scared, hurting, and feeling lost. I ran as fast as I could home. Then cried myself into a bottle of jack. The next day I was tell a friend was happened to me and she said she could help. That was the first time I did cocaine. From their it was a downward spiral. I did every drug i could get my hands on and their wasn't a single moment in the day where i didn't have a drink handy. When I was a sophomore in high school I met a guy. A guy who was 10 years older them me. He was a popular underground music producer in out part scene. He loured me in with lie and lie. Till I was trapped. I became his pawn in his game of life. He raped, controlled, terrified, and beat me. I couldn't do anything with out him knowing. It was a living nightmare. I was always being watched. Once when I tried fighting back he put a gun in my face. He pulled the trigger with no hesitation but the gun was empty. So instead he tried beating me to death with the gun I passed out. I woke up somewhere in a gutter the next morning. I hadn't been sober in 6 years till the day I found out I was pregnant with my son LeeLand. Unlike my mother i fought back and ran away. Far away. There was no way I was going to let any man hurt my child the way men hurt me my whole life. 

                                                    

        

       I met Charlie my fiancee when I was just turning 4 months pregnant. The first night we met was so magical. For the first time in my life someone was there who wanted to listen and who wanted to help. I could really talk to him. I told him everything that night. The abuse, drinking, drugs, and my pregnancy. After hear everything he still wanted to be with me. He was willing to raise and love Lee like his own son. He really loved me. He reallyed loved the real me. He saw the woman I could be. Who i wanted to be. Only a few weeks after me and Charlie got together the withdraws finally took over and i went into early labor. I thought if I just laid in bed then I could fight the pain. That it would just go away. Then I started bleeding. I went to the hospital. A few hours later I delivered a still born baby boy.  With the loose of my LeeLand it would have been so easy to relapse into my old ways. If I didn't have Charlie I would have died. He kept me strong. He was truly my light in the darkest of times. He taught me i was worth being loved. He taught me what love truly is. Thanks to him I have been sober for almost 4 years. 

                    

       There are many different types of abuse. There is the obvious physical and emotional abuse but there is also verbal and mental abuse. I am not trying to give guys a bad name and put it all on them. I have scene cases where women abuse the men! There are men out there who would never hit a women but get into a relationship where a women beats on them. Physical abuse is when someone purposely  inflicts injury or pain onto another person. Emotional abuse can cause  anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Verbal abuse is when something is said to someone that is demeaning or hurtful. Mental abuse is when the abuse messes with your head like " You are worthless" or "You can't leave no one else will want you.". A abusive relationship consist of all these different types of abuse. 

                

       Women sell them selves out for roses and a box of chocolates. We given in to I love you, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again. Don't sell yourself so short. You are worth it! You are worthy of being loved and being happy. If your relationship showed signs of abuse run why you still can run. One hit, push, slap, mean word, punch is all one to many. Don't fall for the I love yous and I won't do it agains. They will do it again and again until you are death or gone. Take my advice tell a friend, teacher, family member or anyone you can trust. Go to support groups. Go to the police. Go to a safe place like a church, family home, shelters for abused women and children, or friends home. Go somewhere he or she can't find you. Take your time to heal. Go to therapy. Going doesn't mean you are weak. Go to meetings. Talk to families and friends. Take your time before starting to date again. Let yourself heal and grow again. Find your strength again. Keep loving. Keep living. Keep laughing. The greatest gift is to love and be love in return.